For some, elusive or impossible. Others–like me–a permanent state. I admit it. For all I may attempt to create as the tough front and the rough exterior, I am probably the happiest person you (do not) know. There is not much that bothers me. I have a good feel for what can be changed and what cannot; I do not dwell on happenings after the fact–what could be gained by that? Beyond any challenges, I live a charmed life anyway–what is there to bother me when I have a beautiful family?
The past few days have been confusing to me, though. I have not seemed myself. My mental discussion with Kira Campo via emailed questions provided a pause for the cause as I reviewed my process–something I rarely do, quite honestly. The new year began and I kicked around a few things that I wanted to do and learn.
Something is not quite there. I think. My Catholic upbringing (for lack of better blame) instinctively wants to put on a jarred face and muddle through until the gears engage again as they have done. Being me is what I do best and surely nobody would notice and we can carry on.
I am reminded by my enemy mind that, as an educator, I live my life in public. Telling the future educators in my classes, This is what teaching looks like. Make me dance.” is one of my hallmarks phrases. It is my duty to be myself as a teacher and to allow them to see it all because they, too, will be in that situation some day. They will prepare the wrong information, forget their materials, forget the content, or even be a rockstar for a day. And life will go on.
So here I am. Unmotivated. Extremely busy. A bit distant. Resistant to doing or interacting more than necessary. Restless. Lacking sleep but refusing to abandon those things keeping me awake. Wanting to improve but indifferent about changing. Not looking for sympathy or empathy. Just a quick post about living life honestly. I am more sure that I will simply snap out of it one day rather than cause some revolution of mind. Any day now, probably.